Life...

My question is how to live your life... We know so many truths in life..... like happiness is the key... its all about using the right side of the brain... about focusing on the right things in life...no expectations ... but so difficult to implement ... Ideally its just to switch off the train of negative thoughts... but it feels so difficult to do that... is it really so difficult? Guess we dont want to take the easy option... We love to get sympathies...
How much ever you pretend that you hate being the subject of the conversation but the moment any problem pops the first thing that comes to your mind is talk about it and not to think and focus on the solutions...
This friday 5th of Oct 2012... life took a very unexpected turn for me... I planned my daughter's snack for the school... took a wonderful bath and headed to see the second one ... i was going for a routine pregnancy check up...So many thoughts were going across my mind ... like aaru my daughter wud have loved to come with us. My daughter is so excited about the whole baby thing that I was seeing her love increasing every day and that she was so desperate and happy to get the small baby....One day she said to me "mama we need to keep the doors closed as the baby can go out...", "mama i want to be a achi didi to the baby I love the baby a lot mama" , "mama u cant dance in kaku's marriage... the baby will get hurt" huh... After hearing all this i was feeling I am the luckiest mom on earth ... how beautiful it will be when i will get the baby home and my aaru will feel so excited to touch him/her and fascinated by the way baby will grow day by day... Thinking all this I am planning for the rest of the day... like after coming back I have to do this and that... and made  a list of all the queries i had to ask from my doc... It was a routine crowded hospital... and I had to do the normal weight checks and BP checks etc... but was thinking ... today we will take less time than before... they just need to answer my questions and may be do a scan. I was called earlier than before as I expected... doctor asked me to lie down and a junior doc came to get the heart beat of the baby.. She dint look very confident... so I was like ... y junior doctor to me ... So the doc said we will get the heart beat in the scan machine... so i went for that and suddenly the junior doctor is blankly looking at the screen with a scary expression... It took my breath away and i thought to myself does she even understand how anxious her looks r making me at this time... Highly irresponsible and slow.... Yes i had a doubt but i shooed my negative thoughts coz they always spoil the fun... we shud be positive in life... I told to myself... Amit came over and told to the junior doc ... that we saw a wonderful scan in the other machine last month. And i was thinking the baby looked so beautiful that day... and so active...then came my doc... She took over the scanner and stood there quietly..... my heart beat became faster and then came the announcement ... "we are not able to get the heartbeat" and blank..... I felt the quiet inside and outside... I had already started to cry inside... but still was waiting for somebody to say... may be its wrong we will check again or ... we can do this to save the baby or anything positive... But nothing or nobody came to my rescue. Doc suggested we can take our time to plan for the procedure... but they dint know we had still not accepted it... What can help us banging our heads on wall... or screaming or crying or wat... Nothing... Thats life..... You dont plan things here.... somebody else does and you need to change your plans accordingly and start all over again ...
Now I was thinking wat will I tell to my aaru when she asks me" mama how was the scan how is the baby "
Neways... came back home broke the sad news to all and depression, sadness.. darkness... confusion was increasing to power of infinity... But we are helpless human beings in the hands of nature... You have to accept. Aaru came back from school and first thing she asked was "mama how was the scan is it already march " as I was due in march and she thought we have to go to get the baby out... We took second opinion which did not change nything for us and planned the same day for the procedure...
So how it is done is you get admitted into the labour ward of the hospital... so there will be ladies delivering their babies and I was expelling dead tissues from my body. Some people are creating life and some have to just go through almost everything same except taking back the baby... you just get the prescription , lots of pain mental and physical on the way back.... The nurses and doctors ... no matter how much they try if they do... cant make you feel better coz you can see that you are the last priority on nybodys mind... u r not here for a fruitful job...so scream, bleed, expel and get out... .. No hard feelings for anybody... thats the truth.
I feel depressed.. but at the same time i feel lighter as this whole episode taught me one thing... dont wait for things to happen.. They will happen as they have been planned by somebody else... You need to only take care of present...difficult but the truth... do it today... watever... tomorrow may not come... ur happiness is in only today...gather it with both hands...you will never repent. I am thankful to God that he has gifted me a wonderful daughter who has taught me so many things in life... I told her that baby was not well so God took her back to take care of her and he may give us back if he thinks she will be fine here... and she accepted it with an innocent smile. We need to do exactly the same.

जब जब दर्द का बदल छाया
जब गम का सागर लहराया
जब आंसू पलकों तक आया
जब ये तनहा दिल घबराया
हमने दिल को ये समझाया
दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है
दुनिया में यु ही होता है

ये जो गहरे सन्नाटे है
वक़्त ने सबको ही बांटे हैं
थोडा गम है सबका किस्सा
थोड़ी धुप है सबका हिस्सा
आँखें तेरी बेकार ही नाम हैं
हर पल एक नया मौसम है
क्यों तू ऐसे पल खोता है
दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है 

Those 2 mins......

Wondering which 2 mins .....I m talking about the 2mins in the lift with a stranger... How uncomfortable it is....so there are times when I m standing in the lift with somebody unknown...trying to figure out where to look...I say good morning or good evening if it is the non grumpy one ....but otherwise u don't know where to look at.. So here are some of the options i have been able to figure out. You can look at your shoes and think about how dirty or how beautiful they are..or that you need a new pair.. You can look at the shoes of the person that u r sharing the lift with... Or you can read up the DOs and DONTs in the lift...yeah every time..there is no harm..this is just to keep the awkwardness away.. I love the people who put notices in the lift... Oh it feels like blessing, believe me you can completely ignore who is therein the lift and reach your destination floor in flying colours.... Although the scariest part is getting stuck in lift with a stranger.... Actually I might prefer getting stuck "with stranger" then "alone" for the reason that u know that u will not die alone...;) . Btw I go in lifts where there is nothing to read and I am left on the mercy of the display of floor numbers.... AND they move super slow... And ur neck pains of looking up at them and yes it feels quite stupid to look at them like a maniac.... Huh... Those r the 2 mins I m talking about... ;)

Aaru's Glossary

Here are the few phrases , words, expressions that I want to keep in my memory forever and want her to read when she is big enough and laugh out loud to realise that she used to ever talk like this....

Apang : Apang is a small boy in our colony whose actual name is AgamPreet but aaru pronounces it as Apang for some reason... and after n number of corrections, we even tried splitting and pronouncing it like A... GA... M = AGAM so aaru goes like A...GA...M = APANG

MaaaaaaaMaaaaaaaaaUaaaaaaUaaaa :

This is a type of cry which she uses to tell us that she is "Apang". And that now we need to pamper her like we will do Apang, putting her to sleep on our lap or putting her to sleep in godi etc..

Choci : Chocolate, btw this was introduced to her by her fav. Deepti aunty :D and she loves it. Its a bliss to watch her have chocolates and icecreams.. btw like JOE in friends does not share food, she does not share any of this :D

Tindi Phut : This means head has got hurt, this again was introduced by her fav. Deepti aunty.

Dhapaak : This refers to the sounds or the impact that happens when she falls somewhere. This was introduced by me to divert her when she gets hurt.

Princess Piona : Thats princess Fiona from movie SHREK. She loves animations.. and her other favourite characters are Nemo, Dory, Merlin, Kunfu Panda, Mulan, Mushu, Simba, Scar, chota bheem, dholu and molu....

Scar : Scar is the villain lion from the movie Lion King. She uses this to anybody who tries to push anybody because in the movie scar pushes simba's dad... So whenever I am not able to control my anger and handle her rough I get the prestigious title of being Scar :(

Piader : When she was watching Shrek3, she saw the ogre kids and said "Aw ogre kids sooooo cute, mummy usne piader pehna hai mein bhi pehnungi" :D then i realised she is referring to Diaper :))

Geput : Getup :D I dunno how this twisting and turning happens for them. but it sure sounds so cute :D

Tom : She calls her dad Tom when she is supposed to be Jerry and they enjoy the togetherhood by making the mom "Big Bad Wolf" from the story "Three Little Piglets", yes you are right its the villain of course :)

Khopali : Human skeleton head :D which I showed in one of the museums, one day by mistake i left her with star movies channel on , while i was gone she caught a glimpse of Scream movie and she refers to the person with the mask as khopali :(

Aaru's lesson to mama:
Once I was sitting holding aaru's hand in the toilet while she was trying to do potty and I was very angry with her for something... She was guess 2 and a half... I gave her one wack and she in return gave me 4. I was stunned and more angry and I said "should u hit elder people, does anybody hit their mom?" and she said without a moment's lag "so do big people only hit small kids?????? " Yeah I felt as if I have got one tight slap on my cheek.... and understood how bad and logically wrong it is to hit the kids but bad habits and wrong belief systems die hard.... still trying.... :D but I am thankful to my daughter for teaching me things practically and not theoretically....

Change happens in an instant, what is required is the Desire

I was wondering sitting one day how did it all start. Thanks to God that I am a privilleged mother who can see the life beginning from scratch. When you plan the baby, you mentally prepare yourselves that yes you are ready for a third one with you, you are going to be more responsible, you will not be able to do wild outings anymore and of course that you will not use any external barriers to stop the wonders of mother nature to happen ;) nobody stops you to add spices to the process. Nyways I am digressing :D the point is you do all that but the instant ..you give birth to a child and hold him/her in your hands... that instant is magical. You cant capture these things in photographs, nor can you explain what changes happen in your body or mind ... but your life ahead follows the consequences. Its natural to forget those things though but we learn in an instant and to my knowledge that instant can be defined by the moment you become curious , take a step and experience and as a consequence learn something. This instant if repeated leads to knowledge. I have seen my daughter learn things in such instants, they try and learn till the time we chip in and start telling them what is right and what is wrong. Like when they start to walk , they fall hundred times but they learn one day in an instant. First time they hold their brush right... only if you let them hold on their own.I sometimes wonder if our education system is sound enough to give us these magical instants. At least I was devoid of that system in my life. Rather my education was in central schools which I was proud of some time back... now also I am .. for they have taught us to respect culture, respect people irrespective of which class or religion they belong to. But education which i realised is nothing but the quest of constant curiosity and awareness of things around you, my schools failed. So many years of schools and college could not do what couple of days of solitude and meditation did. But it would have helped great deal if this process of knowing your surroundings had happened when you start to look around as an innocent child. I sometimes imagine if somebody had told me when i was trying to walk that I can't walk, its not human... may be I had never tried and walked. Thats the way most of us humans are. We even start doing certain things just because we know that others have also done it and normally look for people around us to decide if we should do this thing or not. We normally like to walk on the already explored roads because we want to be safe and dont want to take the chances. Right from getting up and brushing our teeth to sleep at night has been tried and tested and routined for us. We just follow it. I am not against following but I wonder if all of us had just done that... then who had time to think that we can fly one day and invent aeroplanes for us. Most of us like me complete engineering courses not knowing what they did and why they did... not knowing if this course could give answers to so many mysteries in the world, not knowing what all they could explore if they only plunged into the deep ocean of knowledge, get enlightened and invent their own things. For most of us being a scientist is too far but I feel most of us even failed to take the first step towards wisdom. Most of us dont even know why we r studying in a school, some get busy in creating robust scores , some struggle to just make it to the next class, when the motive is so much fun. Nobody told the kids that tell me what all books you want ... there are wonders hidden in there .. do you want to know how this train you are sitting in started to work? who invented it ..what was the principle? do you want to create one of you own... I wonder then how many of us could resist to unfold the mysteries of this beautiful wonderful world.

Scream5

I was talking to my mom intensely about where to keep this and that in the room to change the decor of the house... and suddenly it struck to me ...Where is Aaru ???? Suddenly panic and anxiety rushed into my blood stream as it normally does by the slightest hint of not being able to see aaru where I expected.My third eye was permanently dedicated to her ... soon after she was born. Today I missed to check on her for like five minutes .... How could I ... I was cursing myself like anything . Her twinkling eyes were flashing in my eyes continuously ... and I was running around like a maniac. I tried to calm myself, because I had already panicked my mom, when I know that her age can not take so much of pressure. I said to myself..ok make a plan, first check all the rooms, I had already checked them twice, thought ok bathroom , she sometimes sits behind the doors when she gets angry with her "mom and dad" that's what she calls us these days. I have so many times heard her saying to her best friend ( one and a half feet tall teddy bear ) Balu " Balu .... this is my mam and daaaaaaad OK" :))) . I slowly opened the bathroom door as I had already hurt her twice by the door. Once I had very irresponsibly opened the main door, without realising she could be standing by the door and had hurt her toe nail so bad.... that it bled... she cried the whole night and next day and the nail finally came out completely and she could not wear her shoes for almost 3 weeks. Next I had put her in the bathroom in one of my stupid disciplinary moves , where in she got angry instead and closed the door and was waiting for her dad to come by the door, when i opened the door in panic thinking that she might lock it from inside, when her hand came under the door. This time it was not that bad though but it hurts when they get hurt and esp. when you do something stupid to become the reason. Then I was trying to see which door i missed suddenly I realised that there is a backdoor in the house, I rushed only to realise that it is wide open. Whenever I visit my mom in law's house in village or the town or to my mom's, like a maniac I keep closing the doors as soon as anybody exits from the house. Sometimes if I am busy with some work, I keep asking my husband or my mom in law or mom or whoever available not exactly whoever available but whom I trust to check the door and see where aaru is and today ??? I only panicked more, kept assuring myself, she is around dont worry just keep checking. I did not even know which direction to check.There were four straight roads I could see in front of my eyes , four long roads , and for a kid like aaru who is only scared of monsters and witches which I dont even know if existed also, she could walk in any direction. I just ran in random directions, my feet not supporting my mind everything looked hazy one because mind was giving me the signals I did not want to recieve and two because my eyes were watering unstoppably. I saw somebody on the street , it was dark with some street lights on, " Excuse me ... "I could not speak clear as I would not stop crying..still I thought If I dont try I will not be able to find her. "Have you seen a two and a half year old girl?" I suddenly thought aaru looked more like a boy may be I must say a boy, what was her dress, what is her birth mark... I could not remember anything. He did not seem to understand anything what I said..without wasting time I ran in other direction , it was an uphill , I kept running uncontrollably could not feel my feet but heart which was beating so hard , it felt like a drum. I saw few people sitting on the hillock under the canopies. I asked "Have you seen a two and a half year old kid , tall, fair, she... " Suddenly I realised they dont speak my language and are looking at me like aliens I could not figure out what to do... I dint even remember where was my mom , my husband ... everything felt so confusing.. I just wanted to cry hard but how could I, I had to keep searching ... I suddenly realised that there was an open canal dug near the house..I ran hard... kept running .I kept calling out on the road aaru do you want choci ?? do you want icecream? Do you want cashew? aaru mama will cry please some... Normally these things work with her , but today nothing was wrking. I came down to the canal .. saw in all directions called out her name and hoped she will show out from some direction. But she did not. Finally I thought the last chance is to jump in the canal may be ... Suddenly I cried out hard and turned to find aaru sleeping on the bed, hugging her dad..huh... I took two minutes to breathe in , eyes were wet, hands shivering.... God forbid. I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful and slept...

khushi.. happiness...smile...life

hmmmm so this one is my first blog ... well who inspired me ... my hubby :) as I wanted to write some cute memories of my daughter a two and a half year old who btw looks like a rebirth of denice the menace... hmmm I sometimes wonder if I can stay even oone day without seeing her face... guess all parents feel the same way... I sometimes feel in fact I am forgetting what it was like when she was very small ... new born no expressions.. when she dint know how to respond... I have not made any diaries for her :(( so thought at least lemme capture whatever i remember so far... Now she talks non stop .. i feel bad to sometimes get the thoughts like "beta kabhi to chup ho jaya karo ;)" but i know i wudn't like that way too... you secretly beome addicted to them... These days my favourite cribbing topic she is so naughty .. she keeps me on my toes all day, I dont have any time for myself... , I can't watch TV, I cant browse.. I have to always wait for her to sleep if want to do something I like etc etc etc.. But I am sure when I start getting this time that I crib about may be one day I will feel like doing a lot of things and feel liberated but the very next day I will feel empty because I have started liking it to get busy with her :)) its a complicated emotion :D
well... wat she does to keep me busy... hmmmm it starts with the morning... My morning prayer starts with... God let her sleep at least till 9 ... I can finish cooking an stuff... but the day you pray more she is up and running before 7:30 :(( Yeah so as she gets up she needs a biiiiiiiig hug , my favourite part is her good morning smile... she wakes up and walks out to find out the day's favourite parent. Yeah no kidding there every day it might vary... like today i want mama ... thats it she has to with me papa will not do that day and vice versa :D strange na .. how do they get so picky... After that the whole big battle of how make her brush her teeth ... it much more complicated than your world war 2 ...It starts with constant hugging and no action.. no reasoning also.. so you are standing with the brush in your hand.. then after constantly interrogating whether madam wants to brush or not ... you will get to hear some stories like Shrek went running after the biiiiiiiiiiiiig dragon and how princess fiona ( do watch Shrek to understand my daughter's jargon ) is vely good and Scar ( villion of Lion King ) is sooooooooooooo bad .. and then that she wants to have choci ( Chocolate ) and biscuits before brushing her teeth. Then may be somehow you will get to convince her to pick her brush on her own. Then it will be like where is toothpaste this issss noot good achi ..chi... then after constant pleading and assuring that we will get a good paste for her... she has to put the paste on her own with some dropping here and there. Wait ... the brush has still not been able to get inside the mouth and touch the teeth which are waiting to be cleaned. Btw the size of the teeth is only of a small rice but the battle behind it every morning huh.. then after once the brush goes inside the challenge is to be able to move it to serve the purpose :D .. But believe me the days this whole excercise goes smoothly I feel relieve but at the same time feeling empty ... itna jaldi ... kaise :))
then nother challenge the breakfast... she does not believe in sitting at one place and having watever lill you push into her stomach. It will be like 1 spoon of conrflakes then the house bhraman... with long stops in every room.. If its TV then its difficult to aim the mouth coz the neck will be oscillating left and right to get you out of her vision and trying to miss the small chunk in your hand. She always wins... So out of a number of misses there will be some wins ... and with every spoon that i win my BP gets to normal. after this ... the major one THE BATH ... yesssssssssss I just dont get nightmares :)) . Now touchwood things are better for past one month ... around 1 and a half to 2 plus it was horrible... just because they are into TV or toys... and its diffcult to convince them to bathe... So we got lots of toys and named them .. it used to be like today i will give bath to ducky and giffy ... so they get attracted and come to the bathroom... then they want to remove their clothes on their own... even though they cant :| then they want to straight sit in the cozy bath tub... ahem now how do you apply soap, so you have to get them out challenge... wait till eternity.. Plead not gonna work... Stories ... smtimes might work... Anger ... you will repent the whole day coz you cannot miss the violent emotional crying and throwing session after that...... :)) emotional blackmail ... smtimes works wonderful .... but only smtimes i ran out of ideas... after you have been able to wash them thoroughly somehow... suddenly when you want to out the towel around her... she will be like potty aayi hai... and ... hmmm all the hard work is just gonna be flushed ... hihi... so now you are angry... you are wet ... and you have to wash her again... she is wet... she might catch cold... she will take 100 years to finsh the job. ... take a deep breath ;)
she is such an entertainer...rest later...
i can go on and on....